Mind Those Manners

I was in the 6^th standard of a Govt. school and in the middle of teaching the students, self-defence in times of unpleasant situations in and around home, especially as most of them had parents who worked as garment factory workers, housemaids and autorickshaw drivers, and therefore would be absent from home most of the time leaving the children alone. I took in some students to act as perpetrators to make it easy for me to demonstrate and for them to remember.

We were enacting a situation where a stranger had to touch me on my body and I had to quickly grab him by his arm and topple him to the ground. The boy did his act very well but before going back to his seat, came to me and said sorry. I asked for what and he said for touching me the way he did, although it was as per my instructions. That stands out in my memory, for the simple reason that the boy, all of 11 years of age, remembered his manners even though he didn’t have his parents around him all the time to remind him of them.

The behavior of the boy in the above incident seems obvious, but sadly it is not these days. The incident below illustrates what I am saying.

On a Monday morning, I sent a common message, over the messenger, to six of my colleagues – May the day go well with you, may something good come your way, have a good day. In response, two reverted as to why I had sent that. One enquired whether I was hinting at something pleasant that was going to happen in the latter part of the day. Another came to my seat and asked what the occasion was, whether I had mistaken it for his birthday and I leisurely clarified that I just did something beyond the usual – greeting and wishing another human being well. The rest two didn’t respond at all - not to this day. None of the six thanked me. Last Christmas, a group of us played the Secret Santa game where we needed to gift each other anonymously. Sensing that people did not take time to trace their giver, I disclosed the names a week later. To this day, not more than a handful from two dozen participants, thanked their giver for the gifts.

All of a sudden, it seems like insensitivity, indifference and self-centeredness have become the new normal. Not only do people put up with them, they are even justified as off-shoots of modern life.

Take the instance of this new recruit in the workplace. She was struggling to enter the corridor where her workstation is located but could not. She looked around and found me with the swiping card hanging by my neck. She asked me, ‘can you open the door with the card’ and I did as if in a stance, because I realized she, although from an elite management institute, didn’t even bother to say please – nor thanks after the door was swiped open. Wasn’t that impolite? Someone said, ‘she must have been in a hurry to complete some work.’

Many times, young executives get on to the city bus with a laptop hanging from the shoulder and a mobile phone in hand. They are so engrossed in talking on the phone that they are oblivious to those nearby - so much so that they stamp one person with their high heels and hit another with the huge and heavy laptop bag and don’t even turn around to say sorry. Again, we brush aside such incidents saying, ‘their high-tech jobs must be very stressful.’

It’s not that we take lightly our manners with outsiders or strangers or in unfamiliar surroundings thinking it won’t benefit us in any way. Many do this even within their own family and neighbourhood.

My neighbour visited her friend and the son opened the door. Without even inviting her in, the boy walked away to his room to catch up with some pending chores. My neighbour, who shared a good rapport with her friend, pointed it out to her but the mother remarked ‘teenagers are teenagers’ rather than acknowledge that the youngster needed to be corrected, leave alone call him and correct him right then.

People pursued success even in olden days but alongside believed in living responsibly. Now though, with our false perception of success, certain qualities like courtesy, humility, understanding and compassion have almost vanished like the proverbial horns from the head of an ass. And, that is very disturbing for a society that needs manners, to live amicably.

Being a person with a positive outlook, I am always on the lookout for the silver lining on the cloud and I do find it. I have found people mindful of manners, in unexpected circumstances like the boy who apologized to me in the school. I will always remember the BMTC conductor who thanked a passenger for the change which the latter gave him. And the regular customer who told the sweet vendor that the sweets were tasting really good and fresh on this particular day, accompanying it with a broad grin that said it all. Not to miss the guest at a wedding that I attended, who aimed the paper cup at the waste bin and then when it missed the bin, picked it up himself and threw it in the bin not waiting for the maid to do it.

I wish I could witness more incidents like the ones mentioned immediately above. All I can say is, thanks for people like them and let their tribe increase.

- Published in Daijiworld Online on 2nd June 2017

Bringing up Babies - all kinds

The other day I bumped into my schoolmate. After exchange of news over the years, she asked me, “how is your little baby?” I said, “Very cute” – which is what all mothers say – “and very smart.” Added that she doesn’t trouble me at all once she is fed, and keeps playing to herself, that she is a jewel and I treasure her. Suddenly, she interrupted me and said, “Oh shucks, I was supposed to ask this of my colleague. By the way, who were you talking about?” I said, “of course my baby, my little kitten who has just come of age.” 

My friend looked askance as she stared into my eyes – Are you crazy? Comparing a kitten with a human baby? As though my kitten was any less than a human baby, or rearing her any less challenging than bringing up an infant. That got me thinking on the various things that I experienced on the arrival of children of the four-legged kind into my home and life.

The neighbours – who would coo into any baby welcomingly – reacted in different ways. A few spoke in whispers about our new pet, some in joy at the little one, others advising their little ones to stay away as “it will bite you”.

I still remember the expenses I incurred on my pets’ vaccinations and medications, for which I could not claim reimbursement at office. A human baby could be put to sleep with a lullaby – even off-tune if you desire – but my kitten would have none of it, and took her own sweet time to learn to trust us not to hurt her if she cuddled beside us whenever she felt like it. What about the times I had lost sleep trying to get her to go to the bathroom to relieve herself, lest she dirtied our bed? Pet parents also have sleepless nights, but we don’t talk about them.

It is almost a done thing for small babies to howl in the night if they wish to, for any of the myriad excuses the elders have for it – nightmare, colic, loose motions with a new tooth and what not. But I was given a show-cause notice when our little puppy whined on the first few nights away from and remembering his playful siblings and mother.

As he was growing, my puppy had his share of health problems and was as helpless as a small child, if not more as he could not speak out his discomfort like a human child can. When he threw up on the bed I had to be patient till he recovered. I had to stay up, spoon feed him and be there for him, just like a mother would for her sick child. Recently at the vet’s, I saw another parent all tears when she showed the blood report of her little Persian cat asking what she could do to reduce the excessive WBC count. I remember how I had taken permission to leave office and reach home to help my daughter deal with the tantrums of my then teenager dachshund.

All through their short life with us, our four-legged children depend heavily on us and it is a pleasure catering to their needs for the unstinted loyalty and selfless love that they shower on us. We learn so much from them that it would not be wrong to say that they really bring us up not otherwise.

- Published in Deccan Herald on 14th June 2017 as 'Parenting four-legged babies' 

Walking the Talk

- Published in Oasis in Deccan Herald - 22 March 2017

The Volvo Voyage - a take on the state of Volvo buses on Bangalore roads

Long ago when I saw the AC buses on the road

Their majesty had struck me so much

The plush seats, the AC indoors with music

Their obvious grandeur was such

Two years now since I commute

Seems there is not much luxury there

There are times quite bad when

Travelling in them can be a nightmare

The automatic doors sometimes don’t open

The windows are almost always shabby

Fire hydrants are forever missing

Cobwebs hang freely and Mr. Spider is happy

The aisle between the seats is narrow

You can’t move unless you are lean

People stamp over feet and footwear alike

Till both are no more clean

The tickets are very pricey

You pay the fare through your nose

If the bus is crowded from door to door

Then you walk and stand on your toes

The cooling is quietly absent

The ambience inside suffocating and hot

So, all the comforts I had imagined earlier

Are more often than not, just naught

- 3rd March 2017

My Life Outside Work - My article in LinkedIn

I was the youngest of 5 children born to a banker father and a homemaker mother, but I didn’t have anyone in the family doting over me. However I grew close to my mother and always observed her as she looked after the family, making the most of the meagre resources we had those times. My mother, a dynamic woman, though not highly educated herself and not able to coach me in my academics, always encouraged me to dabble in everything – writing, music, stitching, painting, batik dyeing, cane work, gardening, machine embroidery, mehndi, cooking, baking, crochet, macramé and more- and excel wherever I could.

At school, my teachers encouraged me in all things I loved to do. They happily permitted me to miss classes to represent my school in inter-school contests - literary and otherwise - for they knew I would come back with accolades, apart from making friends and learning something new. Since I was consistently one amongst the top 5 in our class, the teachers were sure I would catch up with my studies.

In short, the atmosphere both at home and in school was conducive to pursuing whatever I felt good doing, which is why today I am open to learning new things, especially something apart from the mainstream – studying then, working now. Doing something new is one of the things that prevent me from getting exhausted with life even as I work full time in a continuously growing city of Bangalore, India.

Somewhere in my pre-teen years, the sight of a sewing machine constantly on the living room table caught my attention and I felt I had to give it a try, and my mother only fanned my interest. That kindled my long-lasting passion for making anything that is stitched. She had purchased the sewing machine on instalments in the early years of their marriage. Those days, it was manually operated, meaning it had a handle which had to be turned by hand to get the stitches – unlike the leg-machine or the motor-operated machine that is quite common nowadays.

Initially, I started with stitching together pieces of material left over after my mother’s stitching. Then, I went on to making patterned quilts with little or no guidance from my mother.

Alongside I learnt to make frocks and small bags. While in my student years, I stitched frocks for money, which helped me buy artificial jewelry for myself and that taught me the value of money.

Fast forward to my working years, when I got into a full-time job and soon had a daughter also. I stitched frocks for her, using embroidery and smocking - skills that I had picked up during my school days.

Being a nature lover, I soon realised plastic was wrecking the environment, and began stitching bags, to substitute the plastic bags around. Having got used to learning by seeing, I picked up styles and patterns on my way to office and elsewhere to replicate them adding my own creativity. I offered to recycle old garments and upholstery into bags for enhancing their life.

Soon people in my neighbourhood seemed to warm up to the idea of using cloth bags by their sheer look and durability and began buying bags from me at stalls on festival and annual days. Some gave their used jeans pants and shorts, asking me to make bags using my own ideas and I welcomed that.

The variety of bags and purses I make has only got better and more interesting; I have not had enough of making them, such is their charm over me!

Sometime end of 2015, I tried my hand at jewellery made by crochet and thanks to the Universe, I got successful in that also. I have sold a lot of crochet jewellery and gifted a few also.

I have made many once-off things like costumes and paper bags, but stitching will always remain close to my heart. In 2012, I got my own label AMMA DESIGNS in honour of my mother who I fondly called Amma, because it was she who initiated me into this marvellous world of stitching.

I have learnt a lot of lessons from stitching, few of which I share below –

1.  Most things can be mended with a few stitches – many relationships likewise can be mended with a few concerted efforts.

2.  Different materials stitched together make for a colourful quilt – so also, people of diverse attitudes, skills and backgrounds working together with passion towards a common goal, can achieve a lot for their workplace.

3.  Several times, the back of an embroidered piece looks ugly – even messy – with cross running threads and knots, yet they all show up a beautiful intricate front. Isn’t that true of heated debates, long hours, meals foregone and a handful of hurt egos, all of which result into fantastic presentations and clenched deals?

Yes, stitching is that one thing that de-stresses me after work, however difficult or challenging the day might have been. In fact the lessons I mentioned above help me to work with ease in all situations for I know everything ultimately works for good.

My life outside work is as exciting as, if not more than, the one at my workplace, thanks to the exciting, exhilarating world of stitching.

- Published in Linkedin on 6th February 2017

Squirrels on the Fence

- Published in Deccan Herald on 1st February 2017

'I' for Integrity

The recent incident of an ATM money transport vehicle driver fleeing alongwith the van containing the moolah, is just another example of a man’s character gone awry. Simply speaking he lacked integrity. Surely, the man might have been recruited after ascertaining his honesty and good character. But he didn’t have the strength of character to not lose self-control and give in to temptation and make the most of the opportunity, however wrong he was in doing so.

Yet, how often are character, conduct and soft skills considered as important as, if not more than, the core competencies required of a candidate for a job? For, we have ample examples of high level executives making away with information and documents at their disposal, without anyone suspecting them.

A manager in a corporate came to his senior and confessed something serious that happened the earlier evening – his toddler had (playfully) spilled water into his laptop. That his reporting manager took him to task would be an understatement because the junior got a huge mouthful about being careless about the company asset, and a bitter reprimand to be more careful next time (as though he asked his child to spill water).  Months later, the same Executive, the senior, lost his laptop because of sheer carelessness – he left his car window open when he entered a retail shop near home. Coming back, he saw that the gadget had been flicked by someone. An FIR was filed with the Police but it is anyone’s guess that the laptop could not be found. The incident smacked of a casual attitude which acted against the interests of the Company, as the laptop apart from being pricy itself, contained several confidential documents privy only to the Executive, but the Executive didn’t bother to make good the loss; instead he got a new laptop sooner than expected. A case of integrity taking a backseat.

Integrity as a value has to be introduced to a child soon as it learns to grasp and draw things to itself. When a child takes something from another while playing, it is for the parent or guardian to say that it is wrong and take it back, unless the other is willing to part with it. Here the cost of the goods or item is not as important as the fact that is taken away without the owner’s knowledge or agreement. Going further, the child may get toys, pencils and such stuff from classmates or others in the crèche or class, and again it is for the near adults to take corrective action. This and this alone, will drive the lesson of integrity – of not taking or keeping or using for ourselves wrongly, what is not ours – into the mind of the growing child.

Even as we are progressing into a tech-savvy civilisation where parents feel incomplete if their wards are not into a plethora of classes to learn a variety of things however irrelevant they may be to the current lifestyle, they seldom spend even a fraction of the same time to speak about the importance of living justly. Worse, most don’t even think it is important to do so, with the result that the children grow up believing that values and principles are best left to moral books and can be twisted to suit their convenience.

During a recent celebration of a national event in an apartment complex, a boy was given a cash award for scoring the highest in that colony. Soon it turned out that the convenor had missed out a girl who had scored higher than the boy, with the result that she became the highest scorer. To tackle the sticky situation, the association decided to award the girl also with the same cash prize, without taking back what was given to the boy. Surprisingly, neither the parents of the boy nor the boy himself paid up the prize money that he was not eligible for in the first place. It was a wonderful opportunity for the parents to impart the meaning of integrity to their son, but sadly they let it go. 

I for Integrity –

Children going to undesirable lengths and adopting unfair means to get good marks, buying attendance, employees being absent to office but not availing leave, fake medical claims, tax evasion with false receipts – all are just a few examples of integrity forgotten for good.

It is here that each one of us has a role to play – I have to wear integrity on my sleeve in my day to day interactions, be it amongst family members, in the neighbourhood, at the workplace or in a bigger forum – I have to practice integrity in whatever I do, each day.

Only when I take integrity as my responsibility, I can influence others to follow suit. The righteous parent can be an example for his children, the teacher to her students, the boss to his team, the head of the Company to her employees and the Head of the State to his countrymen, because actions do speak louder than words.

The motto therefore is, I for Integrity, every time and everywhere.

Deepa Dumblekar

Published in Daijiworld Online - 10th December 2016